I am sad. I admit it. It must be faced, not blamed.

Today, I looked at myself in the mirror, realized and admitted how damn sad I am. Yep, I said it…sad. Sad af to be exact. Are you ever sad? Are you sad right now? Currently, I feel it all up in my bones, in my skin cells and within my brain matter. It is circulating through my blood. This shit is for real! And sadness is probably the most problematic of all the emotions for me. It is a bitch and so hard for me to admit. I’m incredibly uncomfortable with sadness. It requires me to be too vulnerable. Vulnerability is a state I’m just never ok with. Honestly, I’m not very ok with any of my emotions, but sadness whips my ass every single time like no other. It is so tricky and sneaky. It is the most covert of all the emotions. It never hits head on like the rest. It tramples your ass from the deep and hidden recesses of your humanness. 

For me, anger and shit like that is easier. Even rage is easier. Of course, happiness and love and lust are easy. Sadness is a sneaky bastard though, and so impossible to control. And for me, control is crucial. I’m an admitted control freak. Sadness snatches all control from me. And that’s so hard for me to abide. If I am being perfectly honest though, I suppose I’d have to admit I’m sad quite often. The control freak in me just hides it away or makes it masquerade as something more tamable. I feel it often; I just don’t admit it often. I’m admitting it today. It has become too heavy of a cross to bear. Perhaps you’re sad too and don’t want it to be known, not even to yourself. I had no choice today but to face myself and make myself aware of what has taken hold. And writing about it is the safest coping mechanism I have. 

I don’t enjoy sadness. It has a life and identity of its own that wildly takes over. But I do understand it. And I’m not going to fight it today. I must face it and listen to it as it speaks to all the other elements of my being. I do know for certain I have adequate reason(s) to be sad. My heart doesn’t feel up to even attempting to share that list, so just trust me. Maybe you have reason as well. Who am I to try to fight the Universe on this? Not even a control freak like me can win that battle. As my therapist has pointed out on several occasions, trying to make me understand, I am not a robot. I’m a flesh and blood, breathing and feeling human being. I’m starting to maybe get it now. 

Nonetheless, just because I understand and admit it doesn’t mean I want to be sad, in the sense that I do not desire it and I definitely did not seek or ask for it. But I do understand today, I am sad, undeniably so. My reason(s) don’t have to be valid, but I know they are. The Universe knows they are. High on that list is the fact I cannot in any way within my power improve the human condition. I cannot slow down or stop human loss, pain or tragedy.

The all-knowing, all-powerful Universe can’t even accomplish that feat. Perhaps it’s also sad for that reason. I get this intrinsic feeling the Universe and I are linked in sadness at the moment. I feel it’s crying out just as I am, that it is feeling exactly what I am feeling. I am also sad I cannot bring love to the loveless, peace to the peaceless, favor to the favorless or soul to the soulless. And I can’t rid the world of evil. It is hard and confusing enough to even identify evil at the source, that is until it’s too late. Let me explain…

In basically every ancient philosophy or mythology, including those that evolved into what we now know as religion, there is a story, allegory or long-standing tale of good versus evil. These qualities are often personified into deities of some sort…such as God and the Devil, for example. And oddly enough in most of these tales and fables, good is typically the Creator of evil. And good is supposedly more powerful, yet allows evil to prevail, even to the detriment of all else good is responsible for creating. It’s a common theme. Evil is rarely held responsible. We are led to believe evil will be destroyed eventually, but only after a massive reign of terror is allowed. 

In Christianity, God created all the angels in heaven. But, oops, he happened to create an evil one. We’re told God never makes a mistake, so why he would do that, who knows? If it wasn’t a mistake, what was it? An intention? Anyway, that’s the tale as it goes. God then allowed the evil one to corrupt the whole world, which supposedly belonged to God. God then destroyed most of the people in the world. He actually did this more than once, as opposed to just destroying that evil one instead. Again, who knows why? He continued to allow that evil one to leave a trail of destruction around everything else God created, including human beings. It’s such a curious concept. And it’s a very familiar one. In whole or part, it exists familiarly in almost every culture’s mythology. In the Christian Bible, the evil one is known as Lucifer, Beelzebub and Satan. The ancient Greeks called it Diabolos. In the Quran, it’s Iblis, also known as Shayatin. Native American tribes had various iterations of the same concept. 

Well, that’s not the part that makes me sad. I can even appreciate those tales and myths. They are quite intriguing. There were great lessons there to be had if only we’d not use them to shift the blame for evil to an invisible being and instead applied those lessons personally. I feel Satan, Diabolos or whatever is not an “other.” It is us. We are all Beelzebub if we allow it. That evil condition, which God created and permitted exists within all of us and presents itself in horrible ways if left unchecked. And it’s not God or the Universe who will ever check it. It is up to us individually to do so. 

Each living human, even me, embodies a quality of evil inside. It sits there right next to the good we also all possess. There is no invisible celestial rebel roaming among us. That character was created as a reflection, a foil if you will, of the human condition which God and the Universe allow. It’s all up to us which God-made quality wins within our souls…good or evil. Too many humans choose evil, unfortunately. And it’s that human evil that makes me sad. 

Please understand, I’m not attempting to preach any gospel or theology here. I’m just explaining my thoughts. No debate sought or needed. Perhaps I’m too simple minded to grasp the ancient mythical text. Perhaps I’m right on target. Regardless, I’m still sad and it is still human beings and the human condition, my own included, that makes me this way. 

I’m not sharing this to make anyone else sad. I don’t want anyone sad for or because of me. Fuck that. Don’t mess with sadness if you can avoid it. It’s a bitch. But perhaps you are like me and can’t avoid it at times even when you try. 

I’m only sharing this about myself to aid in releasing it. James Baldwin so accurately stated: “Not everything that is faced can be changed. But nothing can be changed until it is faced,” I happen to agree. So, I decided to face my sadness and write about it. Writing happens to be how I face my own shit most accurately. I absolutely cannot lie through the pen or keyboard, as the case may be. As I write, my truth refuses to hide.

And if knowing I am sad brings any relief to anyone else, that is a plus. One thing for certain, I will not let this sadness kill me. Sadness has taken so many lives unfairly. I refuse to give it mine. Tomorrow, it may even cease to exist. Or, tomorrow, it may be even worse. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. I must only face and handle today. I only know what exists today. Because I am determined to face my sadness, not run from it or deny it, if at all possible, maybe I can harness it and put it to work. Emotions are so fickle and temporary. It might just subside before I am able to do anything with it at all. In any event, I will for now listen to it as it speaks to me. It obviously has something to say, and probably won’t leave until I hear it. So, I shall!

Maya Angelou said: “No matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.” I bet she was right!

Today and tomorrow, I wish peace to all who have read this and to all a peaceful soul and calm existence.