Turning pain into progress

I’m committed to using all my energy to move forward, to make progress. That includes the negative energy, the anger, the sadness, the tears too. I intend to make it all useful. Let me explain.

Reality sometimes has a way of reminding us we are not in control. It can be easy to create a fantasy in one’s mind/heart and hold onto that fantasy no matter how ridiculous it is or how much reality has shown us it will never be the truth. If we want that fantasy badly or desperately enough, we tend to hold onto it with the naivete of a child until reality rips it from our grasp. It’s only natural, I suppose. As children, we are often encouraged to make wishes. So, it’s difficult to stop wishing after childhood is over. But adulthood, sooner or later, will hit us with the daunting truth of the matter.

The truth is, we don’t get any wishes in real life. Wishes aren’t real. All we get is reality. And reality can be a bitch. It can be an ironic, oxymoronic, foolish, rough, terrible bitch. It can be hard to handle and hard to understand. And that’s downright hurtful at times. Reality recently hit me with the fact that it is far outside of my control how anyone feels about me, and I can’t force anyone to love me for who I am. I was hit with the fact that it’s fruitless to seek unconditional love from all, regardless of how much I long for it and regardless from whom I long for it. But here’s the irony… Although I can’t control what I so desperately want, I am very much in control of how I translate it into reality. I can control my awareness and reaction.

Perhaps Maya Angelou explained it best: “I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” Therein lies my control. No matter what happens, no matter all the things I can’t control, will I be reduced by it? That’s up to me. It’s like a fork in the road of reality, a crossroads, so to speak. And I currently find myself standing at that crossroads surveying what is in front of me and what’s all around me. I’ll admit, honestly, I’m a bit stuck, but not for good. There are a few things I already know for sure.

I know I don’t want conditional love. I have no use for love that is contingent upon me being something different than who I am. I have no need for love that is accompanied by a distaste or hate for any aspect of who I am, regardless of the reason. That is not how I define love. Therefore, I reject it. As much as I want that love from whom claims to possess it, I simply cannot accept it in that hypocritical, judgmental, toxic state. I can control that much, at least. And I can still triumph. If I place my energy correctly, all of that which I can control, I can turn pain into progress. And I’m committed to doing that.

All of this reminded me of a beautifully written song by Mariah Carey called “Close My Eyes.” This song brings tears to my eyes. It has since I was a child. I’m sure you’ll understand why if you read the lyrics or take a listen. It’s as if the lyrics were plucked straight from my reality. No childish wishing, just truth. I’m grateful for this song.

Close My Eyes

Song writer and performer: Mariah Carey

Listen to Mariah sing this beautiful song here. 

I was a wayward child with the weight of the world that I held deep inside
Life was a winding road
And I learned many things little ones shouldn't know  

As I closed my eyes
Steadied my feet on the ground
Raised my head to the sky
And though times rolled by
Still I feel like a child as I look at the moon
Maybe I grew up a little too soon  

Funny how one can learn to grow numb to the madness and block it away
I left the worst unsaid

Let it all dissipate
And I try to forget

As I closed my eyes
Steadied my feet on the ground
Raised my head to the sky
And though times rolled by
Still feel like a child as I look at the moon
Maybe I grew up a little too soon

Nearing the edge

Oblivious I almost fell right over
A part of me will never be quite able to feel stable
That woman-child falling inside was on the verge of fading
Thankfully I woke up in time

Guardian angel I sail away on an ocean with you by my side
Orange clouds roll by
They burn into your image
And you're still alive

As I closed my eyes
Steadied my feet on the ground
Raise my head to the sky
And though time rolls by
Still feel like a child as I look at the moon
Maybe I grew up a little too soon